I Lied

It’s been awhile and frankly, things haven’t been great.  In fact, they have been pretty fucking awful.  I said 2025 was going to be the year of “me”.  I had/have every intention of this, but somehow in these first 2 months of 2025, I failed myself.  I told you all I wasn’t going to talk about the boy that broke my heart.  He wasn’t worth my energy or thoughts anymore.  I guess, I lied.  Maybe that’s how I know how much I really did care.  

A few weeks ago, I wrote his name on a rock and threw it into the ocean.  That was supposed to be it.  I felt ready to let go.  I wasn’t, not even close.  Truth is, a post on Valentine’s Day crushed me deeper than I even know I could be crushed.  Social media is a deadly disease, it really is.  Frankly, I think social media is partly why I suffer from depression as bad as I do.

I continuously wonder what I did wrong, to have been there for this boy at his darkest times and to just be thrown away on a random Sunday after a bubbly blonde came into the picture (oh yes, it is always the blondes).  I still feel like an object, not proud of any of the choices I made.  Deep down, my gut didn’t want to get involved, but I wanted him that much, I would’ve done anything for him.  I would’ve done everything and anything for him.  Here I am, on a Friday night, 7 months later, still broken.  I have taken to prayer in hopes that I will find my way.  I know God has a “plan”, but can I at least get a hint at where I’m going?

This damage, maybe it isn’t permanent, but it damn sure feels like it.  I thought I was ready to let go, I really did.  I want to.  It has been months.  Why am I still stuck?

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